


Day By Day

by KaspianTheSea



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Death, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28939326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaspianTheSea/pseuds/KaspianTheSea
Summary: What if two people who never thought twice about the other, suddenly found comfort in the other and created a bond that turned into love.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Tsunade
Kudos: 6





	1. Day By Day: The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Please keep in mind that I hold zero rights to the Naruto Shippuden franchise and this is a work of fiction. This fanfiction contains graphic images, death and trauma. This is your official trigger warning that this series contains death. Story is updated 1-2 times a month.

Day by Day Chapter 1: The Beginning

The battlefield was filled with fallen comrades, those who had survived the great ninja war were either getting their wounds tended to by kunoichi's and their counterparts, or were recovering fallen bodies from the rubble. It didn't take long for Tsunade to realize how many lives were lost, as she looked down at the roster there were a couple names that made her heart sink and made her wonder if all this blood shed was even worth it. Taking a deep breath, Tsunade headed out of the medical tent to meet with some of the other jounin to figure out what their next step was. Looking to the sky as it began to cover itself with gray clouds it reminded her of the day she lost Dan, the sky looked exactly like this when he died. Looking around her Tsunade had to take a moment to catch her breath once again, how did things get this far? What caused all this bloodshed? War was always started based on money, ego and status in life, but why did the land of fire have to be part of some sick twisted plot. Why did it have to always boil down to them? Looking back to the roster Tsunade dreaded what she had to do, she had to look at every single body that was recovered and mark a name off, anyone who was missing would go on the marble in the center of the village as MIA (Missing in Action). Her eyes stopped at one name, Neji Hyuga; Why did children have to fight in a war with adults? At what point is it going to be enough? How many have to die before the people in this world realize bloodshed just isn't worth it, Tsunade had hoped that this would be the last war this generation and the many after it would ever have to experience. Taking several steps across what was the battlefield, Tsunade watched the pained faces of many of her comrades as they pulled their friends and families up, she had hoped they'd find more people alive but at this point she was sure that the people who were left, were dead.

Tsunade had reached the final name on her roster, it was the name of her dear friend and secret lover and by secret she meant she hid her true feelings from everyone including him, everyone she ever loved died and even though Jiraiya promised he'd come back in one piece, that was simply a promise he couldn't keep. Tsunade knew slightly before the final show down that Jiraiya had passed on but it wasn't until Pein had mentioned it and his name ended up on the KIA (Killed in Action) roster that it really solidified he was gone. Tsunade took a moment to remember the sunny day in her office, the day she sent him on the mission to try and stop Pein. 

It was your typical sunny day in the Leaf Village, Tsunade sat at her desk looking at the mountains of paperwork she still had yet to complete, within that paperwork included sightings of the Akatsuki and most importantly sightings of who was believed to be the leader of the organization. Tsunade stared at the name for a couple moments before hearing a loud knock, setting the paperwork down and sitting herself up straight she spoke “come in!” 

Jiraiya himself had been on several missions, most of them were for “research” but as the days for war drew closer, he realized he needed to protect what was most important to him, the village he loved and the people he loved within said village. When Jiraiya had gotten a messenger hawk from the Hokage herself he couldn't help but smile, it was no secret that he loved her. He felt a deep yearning for her but over the years she brushed every single advance he made aside, always spouting off something about how she had no time for love, yet she always found time for alcohol, chuckling for a moment before brushing the thought of her from his mind, he knew he had a mission. His first step was to get back to his home and meet with Tsunade, no Lady Hokage. After a long journey he had finally reached the gates of the Leaf Village, bowing slightly to Izumo and Kotetsu who were standing guard at the large wooden gates that held the symbol for the leaf village. Jiraiya couldn't help but take a few moments to himself to bask in the warmth of the sun, the peace everyone once knew was about to come to an abrupt end. As he made his way to the main tower also known as the Hokage Tower Jiraiya took a look around making sure to engrave such peace within his brain. Once he climbed the stairs and reached the giant oak door that held the Hokage office, he knocked. His heart felt like it had skipped a beat when he heard Tsunade's voice telling him to come in. Slowly he opened the door and took a step inside “Lady Tsunade, its been awhile”

Tsunade looked up from her desk to watch her life long childhood friend walk in, seeing the smile on his face irritated her, how could he be so carefree when a war was about to happen. “Jiraiya, you're late. I sent that messenger hawk several days ago. Did you stop at a hot springs on your way in?” Tsunade loved the way his lips curled into a smile, the way the deep chuckle that came from deep within his chest sounded. At the same time it infuriated her, how she wish she could be as free as he was, she felt any second she was going to break and the entire village would go up in flames. “I have a mission for you, I know its been awhile since your last actual mission. But this is important, Pein was spotted in Amegakure and I need you to go and collect as much information as you can, and Jiraiya? Be careful, we've already lost Asuma, we can't afford to lose anyone else.” Tsunade said the last bit slowly, as if trying to make sure he heard the last part more than the rest of it, leaning on crossed hands she sighed.

Jiraiya could hear the seriousness in her voice but he could also hear the pain, it pained him to be reminded of the fact they lost such a kindred spirit. “I'm always careful! I promise, I'll stop him and I'll come back safe, you can bet on that. When I do we are finally going on a date Tsunade.” Jiraiya was rarely one to beat around the bush, especially when it came to Tsunade. Staring at her for a moment before walking closer to her desk, walking behind her he placed a hand on her shoulder “I'll be fine, I promise.”

Snapping out of her train of thought Tsunade fought back the tears that threatened to roll down her face at any second, the scene unfolded from the memory and into the current events happening around her. She was back on the battlefield “Oh you fool, how I should've told you how I felt.” Tsunade suddenly heard clapping, was it thunder? Was it finally going to start raining? No it was the sound of people. Turning around she found numerous ninja's clapping, before she could say anything she heard the crunch of foot steps on the dirt beneath them, looking more closely she saw Kakashi carrying a sleeping Naruto on his back, the image reminded her of that time years ago when Naruto was just a child hell bent on preventing his teammate, no his best friend and brother from making what he deemed to be the biggest mistake of his life. Behind them was Sakura and Sasuke with Sasuke using Sakura as support. Team 7, finally at last together again. Tsunade recognized the look on their faces, pure exhaustion. Right about now she was sure everyone was starting to feel the exhaustion, even with all the lives they lost. They won, the war was finally over.


	2. The Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shaking nightmares off isn't as simple as a snap of your finger.

Tsunade was woken up the same way every night, at exactly 2 AM she would wake up screaming, sitting up quicker than her brain could grasp and covered in a pool of her own sweat. No matter what she did, she couldn't shake the nightmares that plagued her. Some nights she would force herself to stay awake just until exhaustion took over, always hoping that just once she could sleep peacefully without the reminder of all the blood that she had on her hands. Every day she would go through the same mission reports going as far back as when she began her tenure as Hokage, trying to spot any clue she could that would tell her how it all started, any clue that would tell her that SHE made a mistake. In Tsunade's mind, there was no way this was some freak accident, that there had to have been a clue as to how the Akatsuki gained so much power so quickly, and right under their noses. Tsunade's health had declined so much that by order of the council she was to step down as Hokage and to give her seat to Kakashi just until Naruto was ready to take his rightful place as Hokage. 

Tsunade was so used to being woken up by nightmares that she developed a new routine. First she would get up and shower, next she would remove the sheets on the bed and replace them with new ones as well as a new blanket. At some point she needed to just stop using sheets all together and lay on a bunch of towels, considering she had already spent a small fortune on buying more bedding. After changing the sheets she would head downstairs to make herself some lavender tea, by that point she would have calmed down just enough to eat something, usually something light like toast or oatmeal if she was feeling adventurous. The next step in her routine would be to light a candle for her fallen friend Jiraiya, saying a quick prayer before she carried her warm tea back up the stairs and to her room. Winter was just beginning so Tsunade found herself turning the heater on way past what she probably should. Maybe the house would catch on fire with her in it, maybe then that would atone for the sins she committed by letting children fight in a war they had no business being in, Tsunade felt personally responsible for the deaths of everyone including that of Jiraiya's. After all she did send him on the mission that ultimately would be his last. Sighing as she sat the cup of tea down on the night stand next to her bed, Tsunade couldn't find it in herself to fall asleep again, at least not just yet. Walking over to the window and opening the curtains slightly, Tsunade watched as the snow slowly began to fall covering the ground and everything the snow touched in a thin blanket of white. As she watched the snow fall she couldn't help but remember being a child, back when things were easier and she had no responsibilities. Winter used to be her favorite as she loved hot chocolate and building snowmen with Jiraiya and Orochimaru with the occasional snowball fight. After several minutes of watching the snow fall Tsunade decided she would finally try to fall back asleep, she knew it was pointless but she truly did hope that this time her slumber would be uneventful. Before she laid down, Tsunade picked her tea up and took a few sips, the hot water soothed the sore throat she developed from having woken up previously that night in a fit. Once her cup was empty Tsunade set it back down on the night stand, making a mental note to take it downstairs when she woke up again. Crawling back into the warmth of her bed, Tsunade stared at the ceiling for a moment, as soon as her head had touched the pillows her eyes felt heavy, her chest pounded with the anxiety of what was to come. Rolling over to face the wall Tsunade slowly closed her eyes, her breathing evened out as she fell into what would be her second nightmare of the night. 

In her nightmares Tsunade was on the battlefield again, but this time she was holding the kunai that was embedded inside Neji, this time it was her who murdered Neji Hyuga. Tsunade looked around, was everything previously a dream? Was the war still going on? Why was Neji in her arms? Looking down at his lifeless body, her clothes soaked in his blood and her mind was going miles a minute. Tsunade wanted to scream, she felt like she couldn't breathe, her own body wouldn't move. Was this some kind of genjutsu? Tsunade tried to scream his name or at least shake him, but she could sense that he was long dead. The scene unfolded and eventually Tsunade was surrounded by the villagers, all of them calling her a murderer and screaming for her to be put to death, a life for a life as they said. As Tsunade sat shackled where she was, Neji's body turned to water almost as if the body she was holding was some kind of substitution jutsu. Before she could even say anything a familiar voice called out to her, looking up from where she thought Neji's body was she saw Jiraiya, he too was covered in blood. His bones looked like they had been shattered into a million pieces, as he walked he limped, he had steel rods piercing through him, the more he walked, the more blood poured out of his wounds. This time Tsunade couldn't stop the tears that quickly slid down her face as if a hurricane was caused by her tear ducts. Opening her mouth she screamed “Jiraiya! Please stop moving, let me help you!” Tsunade still found herself unable to move from the seated position she was in, her eyes scanned his entire body, she stopped at his lips as they began to form words, the only thing she could make out was “you killed me.” That image was the last thing Tsunade saw before she jolted up right in bed gasping for air and clutching her shirt.


	3. Kakashi's Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even a special copy cat has skeletons of his own.

One would think that the ability to say goodbye to a loved one who had passed on would give that person closure, but for Kakashi it just left many unanswered questions and reopened wounds that had scabbed over. Kakashi was still trying to accept the fact that he had died and then was brought back during what was said to be the worst war that the country side has ever seen, talk about a major shock to the system. While Kakashi was “dead” he was given the opportunity to speak to his father Sakumo who instead of going to either heaven or hell, was stuck in what you call limbo. Kakashi soon realized that there were so many questions that were still left unanswered. All the wounds he thought were closed or at least scabbed over had reopened at just the sight of his father. At least Kakashi got confirmation that his father did truly care for him and he was able to tell his story to Sakumo. Shaking all those feelings aside he didn't want to focus on it anymore, Kakashi was what you call a professional bottler, which meant he bottled all his feelings up until the perfect time when he could unleash them, though in time of peace, there really was no such perfect time. So there the bottle of feelings sat, in a box chained up and forgotten on a shelf. The key to said chain and box? Lost. Anytime it was time to bottle more feelings, a new lock and chain was placed upon the box, soon the box had millions of locks and millions of chains and yet somehow there was still space to add more. 

Kakashi sat on the edge of his bed, face in his hands. The nightmares had gone from a nightly ordeal to every couple of nights. It was only when Kakashi had gotten comfortable with sleep again that his mind would play games and throw him face first into the nightmares of war. Everyone said he should feel lucky that he was even alive, but what does it actually mean to be alive when every night you're forced to relive the worst moment of your life. Kakashi had survived many wars but this one took more from not only him but from the village as well. What did it truly mean to live in a time of peace, when peace was not something you had experienced. Technology was advancing farther than he ever could've imagined and those who didn't fight in the war, act as if it didn't happen. Only those who were there could truly understand what Kakashi was going through.

Grief was a taboo subject, at least it was when he was growing up. You were never supposed to shed a tear in front of anyone and if Kakashi was being honest with himself, shedding a tear even in private was a symbol of being weak. It wasn't until the new generation came along that everything changed, now there were therapists and professional help. All thanks to Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka, together they changed the hospital, even opened up a mental health wing. Kami knows after the events of the war, everyone needed a therapist. Kakashi went to one session before deciding that therapy just wasn't for him, he rather not talk about his feelings or problems and move on with his life.

Standing up Kakashi had decided to take a warm shower, his poor water bill he thought to himself. Kakashi spent most of his morning routine in the shower just thinking about how he was going to pull himself together and get the day started, it used to come easy to him. He used to roll out of bed, open his copy of Makeout Paradise and get dressed, with the occasional shower every other day. Now he spent at least an hour just motivating himself to get out of bed and do even the basics of self care, some days he spent over an hour just standing in the shower letting the warm water roll over him until the water grew cold.. War changed everyone but for Kakashi he felt it changed him the most. He watched Obito die all over again, watched young chunin and genin alike fight for their lives. Truth be told, Kakashi thought of suicide often, he figured a life worth struggling wasn't a life worth living and with his students grown, he really felt like he had nothing to live for.

Kakashi walked around to his closet, opening the doors he stared at the clothes hanging on the racks, they were all various shades of blue and green and black, multiple jounin vests were on hangers separate from the clothes that were hung up in matching pairs. Grabbing his standard black wool leggings and long sleeved navy blue turtle neck, Kakashi's fingers traced over one vest in particular. His fingers tugged at the threads that were already threatening to completely unravel the entire structure of the vest, the white band that was safety pinned on was soaked in dried blood. This was the vest, the vest that he not only died in but the vest he wore when he held the bodies of the genin who died. This vest had too many memories to just throw away, though that therapist he saw for a single session told him he couldn't heal until he did throw it away. Shaking his head he coughed as he shut the closet door and decided he absolutely needed to shower and get something done today. Heading to the bathroom and setting the clothes down on the counter, Kakashi made his way to the shower, opening the curtains and turning the shower on to the second to highest setting he stripped down to nothing, as the steam rose above the shower curtain Kakashi stepped into the overwhelmingly warm water. Shutting the curtains Kakashi tilted his head back until the water began to coat his hair, from there Kakashi let the tears he was holding back fall down his face.


End file.
